Confessions of an Avenger
by sharingank
Summary: In which the mighty heir of Uchiha keeps a journal...Language, spoilers...oh yes. Chapter 2 is up! Even more spoilers, so watch out!
1. Chapter the First

**

* * *

****Confessions of an Avenger** **

* * *

**

**This Journal is Property Of: **

_Uchiha Sasuke (i.e.: the One Destined to KILL/MUTILATE/TORTURE/DISEMBOWEL his Bastard Brother)_

**Dear **_(Why is there a dear here? Is the company that made this useless piece of trash trying to churn out an army of wackjobs with Multiple Personality Disorder? Or are they under the impression that we all believe the journal has a soul, and can therefore read and respond to everything we write? I will not name my journal. I REFUSE)_

_Sakura decided she'd try (for the umpteenth time) to win my good graces by giving me a birthday gift, so she bought me this. A diary. What the hell am _I _going to do with a diary? _

_"Oh, you can put down all of your thoughts so they don't clutter up your head, Sasuke-kun! It's really helpful! I write in mine every day!" –Followed by other random chatter that isn't even worth noting here. She talks too much. I should just weld a piece of steel over her mouth so I never have to listen to her again. _

_Her and that damn moron. _

_Maybe I'll kill them too, AFTER I cut off my brother's balls and stuff 'em in his mouth. Neither of them understands me (even though they think they do); they only get in my way. _

_"Sasuke-kun! I love you! I want to be with you! Blah, blah, blah! I totally don't care if you want your brother to die! I _understand_!" _

_So you give me a DIARY, SAKURA? _

_Yes, you know, because I'm a little pansy boy and I need to 'express myself' by pouring out my heart to a bunch of blank pages with little blue flowers all over them. FLOWERS! THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE! _

_Lord…the shame…I could never face Itachi if he knew I had flower diary. AVENGERS DON'T WRITE IN FLOWER DIARIES! _

_Damn you, Itachi. I hope you choke on your little bells and die. Or that stupid smelly shark man eats you. But leave the eyeballs. I want those. _

_And damn you too, Sakura. Go flounce your flat chest somewhere else. AND TAKE YOUR DAMN DIARY WITH YOU! _

_Naruto…well…I'm gonna kill you, anyway, because I have to in order to get the Mangekyou, so I'll have to think of something creative…like…asphyxiation by ramen. _

_I'll work on it later. _

* * *

"I believe when he said, 'stupid, smelly shark man,' he was referring to you." 

A sniff. "Yeah, I gathered that much." Another wounded sniff. "I mean, I understand why he hates _you_, but _I _didn't do anything to him."

"You associate with me. Apparently, that's enough."

"Still! I'm not…smelly, am I?"

A pause. "Well…you do have a rather…distinctive odor about you, Kisame. You _are_ part fish. Why don't you wear that cologne? What was it? Ode de…something…It had sort of a musky scent."

"Shark…" Kisame muttered. "A shark is not a fish."

"Don't start that again."

"What? It's not!"

An exasperated sigh. "Why must you be so defensive? It's irritating."

"Oh, yeah? _You're_ irritating! I should put in a request for a new partner…"

"Go ahead. I won't miss you."

Kisame made a series of strangled sounds.

"You…you…"

"Yes?"

"_Bastard_."

"Ah. It seems you and my fathead of a brother share that opinion. It is entirely unfounded, however. I am quite legitimate, I assure you."

"Sod off."

"Do you have a flower diary, too, Kisame?"

"…"

Snickers. "Perhaps you and Sasuke should be friends. You can show him how to disembowel someone properly. I'm almost positive he doesn't know how, unless he taught himself in a fit of passionate rage."

"Shut up, Itachi. Just shut up."

**

* * *

**

**Dear **_(I still won't give this thing a name). _

_My List of People to Kill:_

_1. Itachi, obviously. That dickwad's got it coming to him in spades…just wait…_

_2. Kakashi, because he tried telling me that I can only use the Chidori three times in one go. THREE TIMES! What's with that? I'm stronger than his sorry perverted ass…GRRR…_

_3. Sakura. SHE. WON'T. LEAVE. ME. ALONE. She's like a freaking gnat. It drives me CRAZY. If I hear "Sasuke-kun!" ONE MORE TIME, she's going in the bottom of a lake. _

_4. Naruto. Again, Mangekyou. I kind of need that, or else I won't be able to beat my brother to a bloody pulp. Moron…how he became my best friend, I'll never guess. _

_5. Gaara. He made me look like a moron after the Chuunin exam, the eyebrowless freak. It's not fair. Why does he get to have a demon with mad crazy bone crushing skill and not me? I'M AN UCHIHA! DOES _GAARA _HAVE AN UBER BLOODLINE? HELL NO!_

_6. Kisame…just because. He fraternizes with my brother, so he deserves it. Plus…he's a shark. That's wrong. There shouldn't _be_ half-human, half-sharks running around carrying huge-ass swords and fraternizing with Uchiha Itachis (asshole/bastard/cocksucker). _

_7. All of the Hyuuga clan. They're crotchety old farts, anyway (well, most of them), and they've been around way too long, if you ask me. Besides, when I revive my clan, Uchiha is going to trump all the other Houses. May as well get rid of the competition. I suppose that means I should eliminate the Inuzuka as well (if they're all as annoying as Kiba, then good riddance). _

_That felt good. Maybe this journal wasn't such a bad idea, after all (but you're still going to die, Sakura)._

* * *

"My, he's become quite ambitious, hasn't he?" Itachi mused dryly. "Although, that might be troublesome…I told him to hate _me_ exclusively, idiot boy." The elder Uchiha shook his head and sighed. "He never did listen." 

"Look at that," Kisame jabbed his finger at a line. "Look! That's…blatant discrimination!"

"What is?"

"The part about killing me because I'm a shark!"

Itachi rolled his eyes. "Haven't we had this conversation before? You chose to be a missing-nin _and_ join Akatsuki while you knew perfectly well that you are a non-human half-breed. That is ample ground for 'discrimination' as is." He waved a hand. "If you're going to whine, do it somewhere else."

"Just keep talking, Itachi," Kisame growled. "I'll shove Samehada so far up your—"

"Do you _really _want to finish that thought, Kisame?"

Silence.

"Ah…no."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive."

The aura of impending doom that hovered over them vanished.

"You always were an intelligent one. That must be why I…how did Sasuke put it? 'Fraternize' with you. Sasori and Deidera are a bit too…eccentric for my taste."

"No kidding. 'Oh, this is my _art_!' 'Don't mess with my _art_!' Whatever. And…it might be me, but…Sasori is one creepy guy. All those puppets…"

"The Suna nins seem to have an affinity for those, I've noticed."

"Bah," Kisame scoffed. "Give me a good sword any day. I killed off an entire clan with this baby," he patted Samehada fondly.

Itachi smiled. "How prosaic."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"_I _killed off an entire clan using a kunai."

A pause.

"I hate you."

"So does Sasuke. Curious."

"ARGH!"

Kisame stormed off, swearing.

"Temper, temper," Itachi called after him, lips curled in a smirk.

**

* * *

**

**Dear**

_THAT'S IT. NARUTO DIES NOW. RIGHT NOW. SON OF A BITCH!_

_He. Stole. My. Last. Ho-Ho. HE STOLE IT! THE LAST ONE! DAMN…STUPID…MORON!_

_I've been saving that Ho-Ho for ages, because none of the other times I went to eat it felt right, so I figured I'd wait, you know, for THAT feeling…that special, OH LORD, I NEED A HO-HO feeling…with the creamy vanilla filling…and the chocolaty…chocolate…_

_Mmmm…Ho-Ho…_

_AND I HAD THE FEELING, BUT NOW IT'S GONE, BECAUSE NARUTO TOOK IT AWAY! _

_I _saw_ him. He had chocolate crumbs all over his mouth, and a streak of filling on his cheek. _

_Funny…now that I think about it…so did Sakura…_

_I WILL AVENGE MY HO-HO! _

_This is an unforgivable sin. Almost as bad as my bastard brother killing off our clan. Almost. But not quite. _

_I need my stuffed ducky…_

_………_

_I can't believe I wrote that. Avengers don't have stuffed duckies! (But…I love my stuffed ducky…he's so cuddly…)_

_GAH! _

_Must stop…must put on dark, brooding face…_

_I just checked my appearance in the mirror. The brooding face is so suave, but my hair is atrocious. I have to get different hair gel. The kind I have now sucks, and it makes my hair sticky. That's not good. Itachi doesn't have sticky hair. His is all long and shiny…_

_I should cut it off and strangle him with it…hee-hee. _

_Damn…I WANT A HO-HO! _

_Time for some serious avenging. _

* * *

"I don't think I've ever had a Ho-Ho in my life." 

"You have expended your anger, I see."

"I'll expend _something_, so help me…"

"Perhaps I should find you a stuffed ducky like my brother's, Kisame."

"……"

"Oh, but sharks cannot cuddle, can they, what with all those sharp edges. Forgive my impertinence. I'll buy you a nice pet rock instead."

"_Itachi_…"

He returned to the earlier subject. "I should like to try one of those Ho-Hos. They sound interesting."

"Good for you," Kisame grated. "And then, while you're happily chewing away, my hand'll slip accidentally and you'll have vanilla filling up your nose."

"My brother wants to strangle me with my hair, and you want to stick vanilla filling up my nose. Am I that good at being evil?"

"You're a pissant, that's what you are."

"Oh, dear. And Sasuke is convinced _he _is misunderstood…"

A snort. "Do I hear the world's smallest violin?"

"I do have my reasons for slaughtering our clan, you know. At least…I _did_. It was so long ago, I seem to have forgotten what they were…"

Kisame grinned. "That's why we're the badass villains, man. We don't _need_ a reason, unlike all those pussies who're stuck in their oh-so-tormented pasts."

**

* * *

**

**Dear **_Itachi,_

_You are a sick, twisted bastard, and I hope you die. How DARE YOU show up at my village and not come after me first? Why the hell did you bother with KAKASHI? HE'S NOT THE AVENGER, HERE, I AM, BECAUSE YOU MADE ME ONE!_

_And then, when I DID see you, all I got was a load of bullshit about me never defeating you! WHY THE HELL DID YOU LET ME LIVE, THEN, HUH? _

_I WILL kill you, Itachi. You've made my life a living hell, and my only goal is to repay you for the favor. _

_BASTARD! COCKWAD! JACKASS! _

_I'll whip your ass with the Mangekyou. You think I can't do it? I'm going to kill Naruto soon. He's REALLY been grating on my nerves…AND WHEN I DO, I'LL COME AND KILL YOU! _

_Oh, and the shark man, too. And afterward, I'll fry him up and EAT him. I've heard shark is tasty. Not as tasty as a Ho-Ho, of course, though I'll make do. _

_In the event that I can't procure the Mangekyou (which is not likely), Orochimaru made me a very promising offer. Yeah, the guy's a bit of a nutter (and I'm not sure I like the way he stares at me…), but I'm willing to deal with it if it means your head on a spike (I've decided I'm going to have it dipped in lacquer so it doesn't rot and put it on display outside the new clan house). _

_What do you think of THAT, huh? HUH?_

* * *

"Have you heard anything from the boss yet?" 

"I talked to him a day or so ago, however he was in one of his squirrelly moods again, so I did not get much out of him." Itachi replied, absently flipping a page.

"I _hate_ when he's like that."

"So do I, actually. He tried using the _eye_ on me."

Kisame shuddered. "Nobody should be allowed to have eyes like that. Sharingan and Byagukan are bad enough. I mean, you just get so _dizzy _when he does that."

"It wasn't pleasant, to say the least. In any case, Sasuke needs to find a new best friend to kill. The Uzumaki boy is out of the question…though I know he will not go through with it."

"Which means we'll have another of Orochimaru's pets on our tail. Why didn't you kill Sasuke when you had the chance?"

"He makes life more amusing."

"_That's _it?"

"Possibly."

"You're unbelievable."

"One does one's best." Itachi said, and then he frowned. "It seems like my brother has an obsession with the male anatomy, does it not? I wonder if he was born a eunuch, and I never knew…"

Kisame stared at him, and burst out laughing. "That would explain a lot, wouldn't it?"

"It would indeed." He tapped his chin. "Hmm…I'll ask him when he confronts me next."

"Wouldn't that piss him off?"

"Of course. But he is supposed to despise me, remember."

**

* * *

**

**Dear**

_Being dead sucks. I think that was one of the worst experiences of my…er…life…yeah…(that doesn't make any sense…)_

_I mean, I got stuffed in a freaking BARREL (that was way too small) while my body convulsed and I was in so much pain I could barely move, and the SMELL was horrible…(dead flesh is gross). _

_What makes it worse was that, when I was finally let out of the barrel and had the chance to try out my new abilities, I wound up with gray hair that should have belonged to a member of one of those hair bands, black eyes, wings, LIPSTICK, and NAIL POLISH. _

_In other words, I looked like I should have been a spectacle of a traveling freak show. _

_That was NOT what Orochimaru promised me at my pre level-up consultation. I had some concerns, you know, since he has a penchant for purple eye shadow and all of his other minions wear makeup, but he assured me I'd be the best looking of them all. _

_LIES! ALL LIES!_

_And THIS is how I'm going to appear when I kill Itachi?_

_NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!_

_Lord…I even told Naruto I was special… 'I'm more special than you!' I said. I'm sure he was thinking, 'Yeah, right, in what world, man? You're wearing LIPSTICK!' _

_And what's with the wings? They're so ugly and bulky! I can't be an avenger like this! _

_AND MY HAIR!_

_OH, THE HORROR!_

_Orochimaru has now been added to my list of people to kill, once he gives me enough power. _

_There's gotta be a way to use lipstick to snuff someone…_

* * *

"I can understand the objection to lipstick, but the nail polish isn't so bad." 

Itachi examined his fingers critically. "Mine is chipped."

"Put on another coat."

"I want a darker violet. This is too light."

"Borrow Deidera's."

"I would have to be nice to him, then. That's too vexing."

"What about Venus flytrap dude? What was his name again?"

"I have no idea."

"Who decided to make purple nail polish part of the uniform, anyway?"

"The boss, I'd imagine."

"Must've been influenced by Orochimaru…"

"I wonder how he's treating Sasuke? I sincerely hope my brother isn't foaming at the mouth at our final meeting, or I will be disappointed."

Kisame snorted. "Yeah, Orochimaru has that effect on people. Oh, look, your brother wrote more. I guess we'll see, eh?"

Itachi grinned. "We will, at that."

* * *

BWAH-HA-HA! 

Yeah…don't ask me how Itachi and Kisame got Sasuke's diary, because…it's top-secret information. XD I'm thinking this particular 'Confessions of' will only be two chapters long, but that may change. We'll see. Hee-hee!


	2. Chapter the Second

**

* * *

Chapter the Second

* * *

Dear **_…whatever_

_Life has become very interesting now that my environment's changed. Actually…looking back at my previous entries is embarrassing. I made myself seem like a complete jackass. I mean, it still irritates me that this stupid diary has _flowers_ on it (and not just any old flowers, either. They have little smiley faces on them. Smiley. Faces. They're so disgustingly cute it makes me ill), and I have no idea _why _I keep writing in it (though it is NOT because I'm embracing my inner…sensitivity or something. It is NOT), but I think I've matured. _

_Hell, I _have_ to be mature with Orochimaru and that twinkletoed twit Kabuto around. _

_His glasses are fake, by the way. He doesn't wear them at all in the Lair, and he perches them on a mannequin's head (the bridge of it's nose, to be technical) that he has mounted on the corner of his vanity (yes, he has a vanity. The full shebang. Huge ass mirror, lights, desk littered with beauty products…and here I thought _Orochimaru _was bent in more ways than a pretzel…) _

_Double yew tee f (eff?). Oh who cares. _

_The point is…I don't know what the point is. But I _do_ know that if I had to choose between Orochimaru and Kabuto to offer my body as a vessel to, I'd choose Orochimaru. _

_Because at least HE doesn't have a vanity. (Except…he won't let me within ten feet of _any _mirrors, vanity or otherwise. Which sort of pisses me off. And makes me a bit apprehensive about my appearance. What the hell has he DONE to me, I wonder? Nothing can be as bad as the lipstick and the nail polish, right?)_

_The Lair itself is cozy. Well…claustrophobic is a better term, but cozy sounds…cozier. There are lots of tunnels. And candles. Everywhere. It gets creepy after a while, I can't deny it. I've taken to carrying my stuffed ducky around with me (I'M NOT SENSITIVE, SHUT UP) because he's soft…and cuddly…(JUST BECAUSE I LIKE CUDDLY THINGS DOESN'T MEAN I'M A PANSY) and…and I'm defending myself to my journal. _

_Oh god. _

_I said I wasn't naming this journal so I could avoid talking to it like it was a real person. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? Bad sign. Bad, bad, bad sign. _

_Do you SEE what you have driven me to, Itachi, you spineless, gutless bastard? At this rate, I'll be locked up in a loony bin before I can kill you. _

_Sakura's fault. SAKURA'S FAULT. _

_Smiley flower diary…such a swell birthday present. _

_Augh. Kabuto's calling. He wants to test one of his new anti-venoms on me. _

_Like hell, fairy princess. Test it on yourself. Hopefully, it'll have side effects like shriveled balls or engorged pectorals (hello, man boobs). _

* * *

"So Kabuto is the female of the pair, eh? Weird." 

Itachi snorted. "If I were to hazard a guess, I would say Orochimaru is not necessarily the male, however."

The shark man cackled. "Good point. He oscillates between the two, I'll bet."

"Oh my. What large words we're using. I'm ever so proud of you, Kisame. Your vocabulary has progressed beyond Neanderthal."

Silence for a moment, and then, "Go to hell."

"Yes, yes." Itachi waved a hand absently, and flipped to the next page. "And I will see you down there, etcetera, etcetera."

Despite the fact that he was half shark, Kisame had perfected the brooding, irritated face, and he employed it presently.

"I'm starting to agree with your brother on the bastard front," he muttered darkly.

Itachi sighed. "Must we go through this _again_? I can show you my family tree if it will make you feel better."

"…_Lord_ you are annoying."

"The sentiment is mutual."

Kisame gnashed his teeth, and changed the subject. "Speaking of glasses, how's your eyesight these days?"

A pause.

Itachi frowned. "I'd prefer not to discuss it."

"Contacts aren't horrible, you know," Kisame said. "You should give 'em a chance."

Lips pursed, Itachi said, "Perhaps."

"Don't look so excited."

"I said I did not wish to discuss this."

Kisame puffed out his cheeks. "Spoil sport."

* * *

**Dear** _…Uh…no…resist…RESIST…_

_Orochimaru told me before we agreed to this arrangement that I was his most prized acquisition. At the time, I believed him. _

_At the time. _

_He's a lying sack of shit, that's what he is. _

_I finally realized why he's so anal about mirrors and me. _

_I'M WEARING KIMIMARO'S OLD CLOTHES. Kimimaro. The dead guy. Who had a terminal disease. And a disturbing habit of popping his own bones out of his skin and brandishing them as weapons. _

_Orochimaru got it through his head that sewing a decal of the Uchiha fan on the back of the tunic would somehow make the ensemble more acceptable, but he miscalculated when he asked Kabuto to make the damn thing. _

_He shaded it with markers, first of all. Washable, kiddy markers. In primary colors. _

_Second of all, the decal has the consistency of paper. It's flimsy. Easily torn. And if it gets wet, the colors bleed everywhere. _

_Nice job, Kabuto. I am in awe of your domestic skill. _

_GAH. _

_I suppose, aside from the fact that a DEAD GUY wore my clothes, the outfit is passable. The tunic is airy and the breeches are not too tight, but not too loose, the way I like them. I could do without the rope belt, though. It's overkill. But Orochimaru insisted, and I have to pretend like he runs the show while I'm here._

_On the plus side, I have a sword now, and I'm becoming quite proficient with it. This'll be the weapon that kills both Itachi and Naruto, I'm sure of it._

_Excited, Itachi? _

* * *

"Foolish boy, I was unaware you thought of me in that way for so long," Itachi said, brows raised. 

"That's one hell of a brother complex."

"The proper term is incest, I believe, Kisame."

He shuddered. "Please…no mental images…I'll be scarred for life."

Itachi grinned. "Suit yourself." He tapped his finger against his chin contemplatively. "Kimimaro…he was a member of the Kaguya clan, yes?"

Kisame nodded. "I think so. Bloodthirsty savages…"

"Quite. They had the most unusual hair styles."

"Yeah! Like…sausages stuck to their temples—"

There was a knock at the door.

"Come in," Itachi said.

"Oy, we'd better make this quick, Uchiha. The boss just assigned a mission for me." Kakuzu stood in the doorway, arms crossed over his chest. He held a bottle of midnight purple nail polish between the index and middle fingers of his left hand. "I'll loan it to you, with interest."

"I am not as slow as Hidan where touchups are concerned, Kakuzu," Itachi said, voice slightly amused. "You won't profit much, I fear."

Kakuzu smirked. "I'm leaving now. You'll have the nail polish for however long I'm gone. Get it?"

"How vexing…" After a moment, Itachi held out his hand. "Done, then."

"Excellent." Kakzuzu stepped forward and plopped the bottle on Itachi's palm. "Pleasure doing business with you."

"Charmed."

Nodding to Itachi and Kisame, Kakuzu departed.

"Slippery fellow," Itachi said once he'd gone. "But he does have the best taste in nail polish next to Deidara."

Kisame shook his head. "You're crazy, man. He's going to rob you blind."

The atmosphere grew tense.

"Surely that was not a crack at my eyesight, was it, Kisame."

Statement. Not a question.

"Ah…no. It wasn't."

"That's what I thought."

* * *

**Dear** _…blah blah blah…_

_Orochimaru has a pet. (No, no, it's NOT me. For the record, he _has_ referred to me as "my pet" in the past, but…but that's different). _

_Literally, he has a pet, and it's not a snake, though I've seen a ton of snakes slithering around in the tunnels (and Orochimaru's tongue looks like a snake…)_

_It's a chinchilla. _

_His name is Herbert. _

_Herbert the chinchilla. _

_Herbert the chinchilla has big, black beady eyes, and he's fat. Roly-poly, like. He takes baths in sawdust. I'm not kidding. Sawdust. He rolls around in it and then he stands up, shakes himself off, and rolls around in it some more. He reminds me a bit of Naruto, come to think of it. _

_Moving _right _along…_

_WHY Orochimaru has a pet chinchilla (named Herbert) is beyond me. I don't think I WANT to understand why he has a chinchilla (named Herbert)._

_Herbert. _

_That's…that's harsh. You name your fish Herbert. Or your teddy bear (I DO NOT HAVE A TEDDY BEAR. I…have a ducky…BUT THAT SAYS NOTHING ABOUT ME AS A PERSON). _

_Herbert the chinchilla…_

_What the hell. Just what the hell. _

_I'm here for power, and I have to contend with a chinchilla named Herbert and Kabuto the flaming yahoo. _

_This enterprise better pay off in the end, or I'll be seriously pissed. _

* * *

"_Chinchilla_?" Kisame appeared perplexed. "What's a chinchilla?" 

"A large rodent," Itachi said, examining his freshly painted fingernails closely. Satisfied, he set to work on the opposite hand. "Imagine a cross between a rabbit and a mouse, and you'll have a fairly decent idea of what they look like."

"How do _you_ know so much about them?"

"I read, Kisame. You should try it sometime."

"I have," Kisame sniffed, and then he grimaced. "Damn…that stuff reeks."

"Complain elsewhere, please. I'm not in the mood to listen to your whining today."

Kisame worked his jaw and stood abruptly, stalking to the door. As he was about to walk out, Deidara walked in, and they collided.

"Ouch!"

"Ohhh…you rumpled my cloak, Sharky."

Kisame bristled. "Yeah? Well _you_ stepped on my foot! And don't call me Sharky, Dr. Frankenstein."

Itachi glanced up. "You really _do _read."

The shark man left in a huff, muttering to himself.

Straightening his cloak, Deidara took Kisame's vacated seat. He noticed the brand of nail polish Itachi was using and smirked. "I would've lent you mine for free, y'know."

Itachi chose to remain silent.

"All you had to do was ask, mm-hmm."

"Rather late for that, I should think," Itachi said evenly. There was a reason he refrained from asking Deidara for his nail polish, and that reason sat beside him presently. "Why have you come?"

"I was bored."

Lovely.

"Be bored with Kisame, then."

Deidara ignored him. "What's that?" He plucked the diary out of Itachi's lap and thumbed through it. "Sasuke…hey, that's your brother!"

"My, aren't we observant…"

"I've heard a lot about him, mm-hmm."

Itachi rolled his eyes. "If you're intent on bothering me, at least make yourself useful and recite."

"Sure!"

Kisame better finish sulking and hurry back soon…

* * *

**Dear** _Herbert_

_STOP GNAWING ON MY HEAD WHILE I'M SLEEPING, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. _

_Don't stick your nose in my ear, either. I almost woke up screaming because you scared the willies out of me. _

_AND STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM MY HO-HO STASH. They are my Ho-Hos, Herbert, not yours. Mine. If you had any idea how hard I fought to keep them…_

_NO HO-HO FOR YOU, HERBERT. None. Zip. Zilch. Nada. _

_Comprende? _

_My Ho-Hos are under constant surveillance. There will not be a repeat of the last incident. Period. Naruto got the best of me once. You shall not. _

* * *

"Herbert?" Deidara's nose wrinkled. "Yuck. Who names their kid _Herbert_?" 

"Herbert is a chinchilla," Itachi said.

"What's a chinchilla?"

Oh dear _lord_. Today was not Itachi's day, he decided.

Today was more akin to a nightmare.

"Ask Kisame when he returns."

"Okay," Deidara said. "Your brother has good taste in snack foods, mm-hmm. I'm fond of Ho-Hos myself."

Nails complete, Itachi closed the bottle. "What is your stance on stuffed duckies?"

The blonde man made a 'tch' noise. "I'm more of a teddy bear kind of guy."

It was a rare occasion indeed for Itachi to laugh, and he came _very_ close, however his lips merely quirked instead.

"I see."

"Outta my seat," a gruff voice ordered.

Kisame.

"That was fast," Itachi said, relief barely registering in his voice, though Kisame heard it, and he couldn't help feeling a little smug.

"Aww." Deidara pouted. "I wanted to read more."

"Take a hike," Kisame said. "Or move over. You pick."

Deidara moved over, much to Itachi's chagrin, and Kisame sat.

"Oy, Kisame, what's a chinchilla?"

Definitely not Itachi's day.

* * *

**Dear** _eeeeeehhhh_

_There is no way in hell that I'm Orochimaru's favorite, otherwise he wouldn't make me share a shower with Kabuto. He'd give me my own shower, and my own bathroom, for that matter, and everything would be peachy. _

_Everything _isn't _peachy. _

_I do not have my own bathroom. I do not have my own shower. _

_My skin's crawling. _

_ACCCK. _

_I realize everyone sheds hair. It's natural, and that's…fine. It's fine. But…but there's a certain KIND of hair that breeches the line of acceptability. Hell, it acts like the line doesn't even _exist.

_Got out of the shower. Felt pretty damn awesome, because training was actually worth my time. I'm learning a new jutsu. High class. Good stuff._

_In the midst of toweling myself off—still feeling awesome—I made a discovery. _

_There was…I can't write it. I can't. Oh god…_

_There was…pubic…hair…stuck to my leg. _

_And it wasn't MINE. _

_Kabuto has white hair. I have black hair. In…both places. _

_The hair on my leg was white. _

_For the love of…_

_CLEAN UP YOUR DAMN PUBES, KABUTO. COMMON COURTESY FOR THE BATHROOM BUDDY. _

_Augh. Oh man. I can't…this is _ridiculous.

_Your number is on hold, Itachi. Kabuto has the special privilege of snuffing it first. Sorry, but this is the way it has to be. _

_On my _leg_…_

_UNFORGIVABLE. _

* * *

"So this is how my little peons have been wasting their time." 

Kisame jumped.

Deidara twitched.

Itachi didn't do anything. Even though he resented being referred to as a 'peon.'

Sir Leader tapped his fingers against his arm. "I ought to have you all gutted," he said cheerfully. "There is work to be done, and here I find you, three of my most talented agents, sitting around giggling like a pack of teenage girls."

With the exception of Itachi, of course. Itachi _never_ giggled.

Bothersome…

"Ah, but our conclave held a certain import, my lord," he said.

"Oh?"

Clueless, Deidara and Kisame blinked, yet they kept their mouths shut.

Itachi nodded. "Yes." He held up the bottle of nail polish.

"Ah," Sir Leader said. "I suppose I will grant you clemency, then."

"My lord is most kind."

"He is, isn't he?"

Deidara bit the inside of his cheek. Kisame pressed his lips together tightly. They couldn't laugh. Not in front of Sir Leader.

"Yes," Itachi agreed.

"Mm. Ta-ta," Sir Leader said, and vanished.

"What the bloody _hell_," Deidara swore. "He…that man is certifiable, mm-hmm."

"No kidding," Kisame said, a little green around the edges.

Itachi yawned. "He is tolerable when one knows how to deal with him." He yawned again. "My brother seems to be in pleasant spirits, does he not? I'm eagerly awaiting our next meeting."

"If he doesn't have a date with a straight-jacket, you mean," Kisame said.

Itachi smiled. "He won't. Mark me, he won't."

* * *

Okay. I'm sorry it took me this long to update, guys (a year? ACK). As with Confessions of an Insomniac, I'm not entirely shunting aside the idea of another chapter for this piece. The new manga material gives me a lot to play with, so we'll see. Heehee. Hope everyone enjoyed! 

:winks at Glenda: (You know why, kiddo).

Oh. And. I have nothing against Kabuto. I adore the guy. He was just...convenient. :evil grin: Sorry Kabuto. You got to be fodder for my muses this time around.


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